POPPY TED'S TALE

by Nick Dove

NORTHERN CALIFORNIA. AN OLD MAN SITS WITH BINOCULARS, STARING AT THE HILLS ABOVE. HIS GRANDSON, NICK, APPROACHES.

N: "Who are you spying on now, Poppy?"
P: "Hyuh, hyuh, hyuh. Well you can see those same houses are there --"
N: "Yeah?"
P: "-- And there used to be a stripper. She was in San Francisco."
N: "...Yeah?"
P: "And she used to live up there, and, uh, they had her on television. Of course she could only strip down so far.
N: "Right, of course."
P: "But in San Francisco they had a circular bar -- it was right on the corner, Broadway, you know, that whole scene -- and there was this big hole in the ceiling, and when she came out she was on top of a grand piano that went all the way down.
N: "Uh-huh."
P: "And she's on top, doing her strip'r, and a guy's playing the piano."
N: "You ever see it?"

P: "I -- in fact, the guys used to come out from Detroit for it. They wanted to go there and see it, see all the topless girls, get a topless shoeshine."
N: "A topless shoeshine?!"
P: "Oh you know. Dunka dunka dunka. You put your feet up, and they go dunka dunka dunka dunka."
N: "..."
P: "So I took them down there to get a topless -- you know, I was their man out here at Lockheed. They came out here to do technical work, and all they wanted to do was go downtown to the strips!"
N: "Mm-hmm."
P: "I knew them all. Even the topless began to recognize me. And I'd tell the guys their shoes were dirty, and then they'd go and they'd be bumpin' 'em. Dunka dunka."
N: "..............."

P: "-- And they had a lawyer down there, had his offices right in the building. And, uh, he was on TV every night. He'd say 'I'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL YOUR LAW PROBLEMS, you come down here to my office.' And then they'd walk in and there's all these topless."
N: "Wow..."
P: "I talked to him, and really, he got more populism, more popularization from all those girls than anything. He got all the big trials and tribulations."
N: "Like what?"
P: "Oh, all of 'em. But he didn't take just anyone."

N: "Oh yeah?"
P: "I remember I got called to duty, down to the courthouse, all bad crime. I ran into him there. There was a guy, hippy guy, who was caught going up a ladder into children's bedrooms. It was on the news. I asked if he was taking him on for trial.
N: "And what'd he say?"
P: "Hah. 'Me?! Take him on trial? I'd like to slit his FUCKING throat!' Imagine, in front of all the people in there! 'I'd like to cut his fucking throat!'"
N: "You used that, didn't you?"
P: "When it came my turn, for the selection, the judge said 'YOU'RE EXCUSED!' Had him to thank. Good man."
N: "Did he ever, uh, with the girls?"
P: "Oh sure, shit, all the time -- remember that if you go into law practice."
N: "Will do."
P: "Because it's still all that way. It hasn't changed a bit."