ICE COLD PEEPHOLES

by Ryan Lambert

Born under a bad sign, Charlie Wesleyan needs the spirit of a young co-conspirator to help unravel his Gordian knot of a master plan: the expansion of age demographic appeal in two contrasting directions through one kingmaking move, cementing his status in the business of erotic accoutrement as the veritable Tsar of Taboo. For this tall order, Charlie enlists the assistance of Cam Ronson, a high school sophomore gaming to skim some coin off the top of the skin game and suspended thrice for his efforts, most notably after a fiasco involving a hijacked snack vending machine and a limited run of pornographic playing cards depicting the O-faces of the first fifty First Ladies of this consumer-grade country.

After praying the pimp’s rosary and reciting nine No Homos, Charlie helps Cam slip his soft penis into proprietary Smart Cock technology, a subtle set of sensors that gather reams of useful spatial data once turned on, an automatic process occurring at the precise moment the wearer grows erect. With his pawn’s penile muscles in place and syncing to underground servers, Charlie lets Cam loose, unleashing a reign of sexual terror as the junior partner fucks a swathe through his peers, amassing an impressive student bodycount of sixty (percent, the precise number of females with both decent attendance and at least a 3.0 grade-point-average), plus a validated email list of approximately the same length.

Charlie shapes these terabytes of vaginal intel into a hot product—3D-printed pussy molds composited from hundreds of real teenage girls—right in time for Cyber Monday, the favorite holiday of elderly, infirm men craving legal recourse for underage cumshots. The kids are alright, happy to see themselves represented in medical-grade silicone by the newly-minted progressive wing of a traditionally lecherous industry.